Talk Nerdy To Me
by rhpsfaerie
Summary: After being dumped by the ultimate shut-in, Bella swears off geeks entirely. Jose Cuervo, however, has other plans for her, and those plans are named Edward. Written for queenofgrey for The Fandom Gives Back. AH one shot, rated M for language/sex.


This one shot is for queenofgrey, aka Jes, who purchased one from me during The Fandom Gives Back auction. I originally began this as a birthday present to her, but alas, real life intervened, and I've just now finished it. I hope you like it, Jes!

Thanks to Rob, Amelie, belli486, and Rainbow Ashlyn for reading and editing for me. My usual betas have been bogged down by real life, and I wanted to make sure they got their personal things settled. Real life always takes precedence over fan fiction, guys, never forget it!

Disclaimer: As always, Stephenie Meyer owns the rights to the characters. I own nothing, except this really awesome laptop and way too much Urban Decay eyeshadow.

* * *

_I can't believe I'm doing this_, I thought to myself as I let Alice drag me through the entrance of the nightclub. I was dressed in the skimpiest black dress I owned with a pair of heels that were sure to give me monstrous blisters before the end of the night.

She was lucky I didn't murder her on the spot.

But no, I let her convince me to get my ass off the couch, throw away the empty Ben and Jerry's pint containers, turn off the Rodgers and Hammerstein musicals, and get on with my life. Alice didn't realize I was having a hell of a time coping with the fact that Mike Newton… Mike Newton, of all people… had dumped me. Her genius plan was drinking and dancing at the hottest spot in town: La Maraschino. In my ice cream-induced stupor, I agreed. Big mistake, since I knew she'd try to find a guy for me to screw, and I just wanted to dig my head in the sand and mope.

I immediately wrestled my hand out of her grasp the second we entered the club and headed straight for the bar. If I was going to make it through the night, I needed Jose Cuervo, and fast. After downing three (or five) shots, Alice finally caught up to me.

"Bella! Come dance with me!" she shouted over the music. I rolled my eyes at her and asked the bartender for another shot.

"Not happening, Al. I'm not in the mood to dance. That video game-playing, Warhammer-obsessed, R. A. Salvatore-reading Wil Wheaton wannabe dumped _me._ I'm successful, intelligent, thoughtful, and damn sexy, if I'm being perfectly honest. And he dumped _me_," I ranted before downing another swallow of my preferred alcoholic beverage. The burn felt so nice compared to the aching feeling in my chest telling me that I was so pathetic that nerds didn't even want me.

"And you absolutely are all of those things. Not many have climbed the corporate ladder as fast as you have, especially with a company as influential as Black Enterprises," Alice said in an attempt to make me feel better.

"It isn't even because the CEO's son is my best guy friend, either. I earned my place in that company," I added as I downed another shot.

Alice winked at me and continued. "You and Mike weren't suited for each other. The only thing you really had in common was your love for Gerard Butler and tequila. What you need is someone staggeringly handsome with style and swagger. Like that guy over on the other end of the bar."

I looked in that direction and was a little blown away. The guy at the end of the bar was _gorgeous._ Like, Calvin Klein underwear model gorgeous. His hair, which looked like a deep copper color in the lighting of the club, stuck out in all directions like he'd just rolled out of bed. His jaw was angular, chiseled, and I had the sudden urge to walk over to him and lick it. Granted, that could have been the tequila talking. His eyes were striking and seemed to glow all the way across the room. I wasn't sure what the color was, but there was an intensity there that I'd never seen before when looking into a guy's eyes. Then I realized that I had been staring, and he'd caught me. Oops. Bella Swan, zero points, cute guy, one.

"Go talk to him!" Alice urged, giving my shoulder a little shove. "He's been watching you since I came over here."

"He could be watching you, though. I've been here longer than you have, and I didn't notice him once," I replied as I signaled the bartender for another shot.

"That's because you're too busy being a booze-hound and wallowing in self-pity to notice. So Newton dumped you. You were too good for him, anyway. You always fall for the nerds, and they always end up being too self-centered and self-absorbed to be a good fit for you."

"I should swear them off."

"You should." Alice crossed her arms over her chest and gave me a pointed look.

_Fuck, is she actually expecting me to do something like that?_

I put my right hand in the air and covered my heart with my left hand. "Okay, fine. I'll do this, but only to humor you. I hereby swear off nerds, be they gamers, role-players, sci-fi geeks, computer hackers, comic bookers, and clarinetists, for the rest of my natural life."

"Good. Now, go land that cutie over there and get yourself laid. Jasper's supposed to meet me here in ten minutes, and I promised him I'd have you paired up with someone who will actually fuck you. Not like Newton did."

"Oh, my God! It was like he was allergic to my vag or something! I've never seen a supposed straight man so reluctant to fuck."

Alice laughed. "You've totally had enough tequila, by the way. You'll be puking if you take another shot after the next two."

"Huh?"

Alice walked away, her laughter trailing behind her. I shook my head, and then realized doing that made my balance a bit precarious. I grabbed my last shot, gulped it down, took a deep breath, and walked to the other end of the bar. As luck would have it, I tripped just before I made it over to Mr. Jaw Bone. I closed my eyes, not even bothering to brace myself for the fall. Last time I did that, I ended up with a sprained wrist.

"Whoa, there. Careful," a male voice said, and suddenly there were arms around me. I looked up and was caught in dark green eyes. I felt like I was rolling in the ocean, but that could have been the fact that I felt like this guy was about to drop me.

I kept my gaze on the sea green gorgeousness as I righted myself. The beautiful eyes stayed focused on me, and I felt myself being drawn in like a moth to a flame. _Such a pretty green,_ I thought to myself.

"I get told that a lot, but thank you," the man still holding me said. I snapped out of my daze, realizing that, like an idiot, I'd actually spoken aloud. I wrestled out of the man's grasp and went to search for my destined new man. Or tonight's fuck, either one. Then I realized that the green eyes belonged on the same face as the lickable jaw bone.

"Um, hi," I said a little shyly. I had no idea what to say, really, and I figured a sexual proposition would make me look like a hooker. "I'm Bella Swan, and I have no balance."

"I noticed. I'm Edward Cullen," the man said by introduction as he held out his hand for a shake. I grasped it and shook his hand slowly, reveling in how his grip dwarfed mine and how warm his hand was.

"Nice to meet you. What brings you out here tonight?" I asked as I leaned backward against the bar. I knew that my tits would jut out all alluring-like this way, and I hoped he enjoyed the eyeful. From the way his eyes traveled, I took it as a yes.

"Hoping to meet a pretty young thing like you. I've been watching you since you came into the bar. You're easily the hottest girl here." He leaned on the bar the same way I had and scooted close to me. I could feel the warmth of his body radiating next to me, and a chill ran up my spine.

"So, you're at the bar trolling for young girls? Should I be calling you Humbert, Mr. Cullen?" I teased, wondering if he'd get the joke. I made a promise to myself that if he did, I'd definitely at the very least give him a blow job.

"Oh, no, I don't go that young. Incidentally, I'm a big fan of Nabokov's, though. I'm teaching _Lolita _to one of my classes right now, actually."

My eyes widened. This guy reads. He teaches books, in fact. I couldn't tell if I was falling in love or if the tequila was coming up for a surprise return. "Where do you teach?" I asked.

"I'm a literature professor at the university. I specialize in European literature, but for the next couple of years, I'm teaching an introduction to American literature class. I take it you read?"

"Any and everything. You're sexy. I like sexy guys who read." I decided to take a chance, go for the gold, all of those clichés.

"I like attractive women who read. If you tell me you like opera, I'll pick up your tab and even buy you some more shots."

"You're just trying to get me drunk so I'll let you fuck me. Trust me, it's way easier than that."

"Don't sell yourself short. Answer my question?"

"I do love opera, especially Italian. Puccini is a god, in my opinion. I'll be picking up my own tab, though." I gave him a stern look. I didn't want him to think he could buy his way into bed with me, even if I secretly wanted to take him up on his offer.

"If you so wish. I'll get the next drink, though. What'll you have?"

"Tequila on the rocks. Cuervo."

We drank a few rounds at the bar and discussed Italian opera, which somehow led to the topic of favorite television shows. We both were delighted to find out that we had the same favorite show in _Lost. _I was becoming more and more infatuated with this guy, and I started looking at him as more of a potential new guy to date instead of a one night stand to forget Mike fucking Newton. After a little while, we (really, more he) decided it was time to dance. Our dancing consisted of him holding my waist in a vice grip while I swayed back and forth, attempting to move my hips in a vaguely rhythmic pattern against his hips. We laughed and fell all over each other. Finally, at the end of a song by Jay-Z, I pulled his face to mine and kissed him roughly.

I was either incredibly drunk at this point, or he was the best kisser ever, but no matter the case, it was amazing. I saw sparks and fireworks, and he tasted like whiskey and peppermint. We kissed all over the dance floor. And inside the cab on the way to his place. And all the way up three flights of stairs.

We finally got to his place, and I immediately slipped my dress over my head and pushed him against the wall, crushing my lips to his in desperation to find his magical tongue again. He did this slow little twirl with it against mine that was so incredibly hot my panties felt like they were incinerating off my body.

His hands slid up my sides and lightly palmed my breasts through my bra. I moaned loudly into his mouth, and he chuckled a little.

"Eager, are we?" he said in a deep voice. I wanted to come right then and there from the tone of his voice.

"Oh, yes. I just got dumped by a guy who couldn't fulfill my needs. Will you meet them, instead?" I replied, trying to make my eyes look wide and innocent while my voice attempted low and sultry.

"Anything you want, Bella. Just tell me what you're craving," he responded as he laid open-mouth kisses on my neck.

"Nibble a little right there," I responded. He followed my instructions, and my knees went weak. In fact, my knees gave out, and we ended up falling on the floor in a tumbling heap.

"Fuck, my neighbors won't be too happy about that," he said with a worried expression on his face.

I laughed, guffawed really, and he joined me for a moment before his expression got all serious again. He laid a gentle kiss on both of my cheeks before meeting my lips. "Where were we, now?" he whispered.

I took one of his hands and put it on my still-clothed breast. I then took the other hand and slid it own the front of my panties. "Right about here, plus or minus a few steps."

He slipped a finger inside me, and I gasped. "You feel like you're already ready, Bella," he marveled.

"I am. Let's get naked and do this shit."

In seconds, we were completely nude and still on the floor. I noticed that Edward's carpet was a nice beige color, and it was super fluffy and comfortable. Edward began to gently lay his weight on my body when I jumped up, accidentally bumping his head with mine and causing us both to wince and groan.

"What the hell?" he asked as he rubbed the newly forming bump on his forehead.

"I'm sorry, but I wanted to make sure you knew I was on the pill, just in case. I mean, I want you to wear a condom, I don't know where you've been and I don't want herpes, but still…" I trailed off when I realized that Edward was laughing at me. "What the fuck is so funny?"

"You. You're rambling about condoms and herpes and you're naked and adorable. I couldn't help myself." He pulled me into an embrace. "I don't have herpes, by the way, but I'll wear a rubber if you want me to."

"Please?" I gave him my puppy dog look, and he hugged me tighter.

"No problem. Now, let's get on with the show already!"

He got up off of the floor and ran to a room that I assumed was his bedroom. I hopped up off of the floor and followed him, deciding that second that I didn't exactly want to seem so sex-crazed that I couldn't make it to the bed. When I got to the doorway I saw that I'd been right in my assumption. He had a massive wrought iron bed with the softest-looking white comforter on it. He was rummaging through the cherry wood nightstand, and I had an excellent view of his ass from here. It was round but firm, and the rest of his body was toned and lean. I ran across the room and hopped onto his bed, giggling like a five year old on a playground.

He turned around and smiled a wicked little smirk at me, and I swooned a tiny bit. He climbed up onto the bed and began laying kisses on me everywhere. I couldn't keep track of all the parts of my body he was kissing, his lips moved so softly and quickly. He pushed my shoulders back, even though we were pretty much on the corner of the bed, so that he could reach the lower parts of my body. Finally, after working me into a near hysterical fit with all of the leisurely kissing and caressing, he settled himself between my legs and thrust his hips against mine.

"Uh, is it in yet?" I asked, because I couldn't feel anything at all.

"Yeah." _Fuck, I've insulted his dick size. Smooth move, Swan._

"Are you sure? I can't feel anything."

"I'm sure." He thrust against me and muttered, "Oh wait, sorry, it went soft."

Well, fuck. Here I am waiting to get my drunken tequila sex on with Mr. Hot-As-New-Spock, and he can't even get it up. I was about ready to jump up and throw my clothing back on when his mouth met mine with a force best known by monster trucks.

"Give me a second," he breathed against my lips, and I shuddered from the feathery touch. _Okay, you have exactly sixty seconds._

After thirty-seven seconds (I counted), he said, "Okay, I think we're good." His hips thrust against mine, and holy fuck, I knew I shouldn't have insulted his dick size. There was _nothing_ small about what was in my vagina. I mean, the length felt pretty average, but the width… my God, he was hitting spots Mike Newton could only dream of.

He moved with a frenzied speed, his cock slamming into me roughly. I knew I was going to be sore as hell the next day, but I really didn't care. Mike had never once fucked me like this, and I was savoring every single moment.

"I'm not going to last much longer," Edward groaned as he sped up even more.

"I'm not even close to getting off, buddy," I said, giving him a stern look. He re-arranged his weight on top of me, hitched one of my legs really high up on his side, and slid a hand between our bodies. When his fingers made contact with my clit, I think I exclaimed something like, "Holy mother of fucking God" in Korean. I shifted a bit more underneath him, and then all of a sudden I was on the floor.

"What the hell?" I screeched as Edward tumbled down with me. We stared at each other for a little bit, and then I let out a nervous giggle, which turned into more nervous giggles, until I realized I was nervous guffawing. Edward joined me in my laughter as he got to his feet. He offered me his hand, and when I took it, he helped me back onto the bed, making sure we were positioned square in the middle of the mattress before continuing right where we left off. Luckily, he was still hard as a rock, and I was still horny as fuck and in desperate need of an orgasm.

His fingers on my clit were definitely doing the trick, and when he came a little bit later, I was right there with him, screaming and panting and making a damn fool of myself. He collapsed on top me, and I was a tiny bit grossed out by all of the sweat he was rubbing on me, but besides that, I was blissful and satisfied. I fell asleep in moments.

It took a lot for me to be able to move in the morning. I couldn't shake the half-asleep state off, and Edward's warmth was making it mighty hard to even muster the desire to move. Wait, his name was Edward, right?

I rolled over to pull him into my arms and was met with a faceful of penis. Even worse, the tip went straight into my mouth, and though it wasn't an unpleasant thing (in fact, I rather enjoyed the feel of a cock in my mouth), it was incredibly unexpected. I guess I hadn't realized that Edward was sitting up next to me before I rolled over to lie on top of him.

I sputtered and jumped up, making strange noises that eerily resembled those that Chewbacca made. As I did this, the corner of the hardback book he was apparently reading jabbed me in the middle of my forehead. When I looked at the naked man in the bed with me, I saw that he was laughing hysterically at me while wearing horn-rimmed glasses. I tried not to drool, but the nerd lover in me was incredibly pleased by this guy's choice in eyewear.

"What's so funny, Edward?" I asked, hoping I'd gotten his name right.

"I've never seen a woman make such interesting sounds after having a cock in her mouth. It's oddly arousing," he said with a smirk. That smirk instantly made me notice my nude state, and I couldn't help but blush.

"I'm going to get dressed and get out of your hair," I said to him as I hopped off the bed and searched the floor for my clothes.

He removed the glasses from his face and started to get up. "Wait, where are you going?" he asked, his brow furrowing.

"I just figured this was a one night thing. Nothing serious, just a little bit of fun," I replied as I slipped my panties back on and slid the dress over my body. It was true, I did think that was all this was, and I wanted to get out of there before he could make me feel bad about giving in to a one night stand.

"I definitely wasn't thinking that, especially after I got a chance to talk to you. I want to see you again, Bella." He was standing in front of me now, and his eyes were dark and serious. I gulped, not quite sure what to say. I knew that we'd had a good time, but I didn't really know this guy well enough to decide if I wanted to make this work or not. I just knew that ever since he'd approached me at the bar, I'd felt an ease with him, a comfort level, even when I couldn't tell where his penis was or when we fell off the bed. I decided to just tell him the truth.

"I'm not sure, Edward. I just got out of a relationship, and I don't really know you that well."

"Just give me a chance. One chance, a real date, no sex, and let's see if this is something worth pursuing."

I gave him my most wicked smile and replied, "I guess I can agree to that, but let's not be too hasty on the 'no sex' thing. Last night was pretty amazing."

He wrapped his arms around me and whispered, "That it was. When are you free next week?"

"I'm available from Thursday on."

"Well, I can't do Thursday, because I have a Dungeons and Dragons game, but I can do Friday night if you want."

I pulled out of his embrace and stared at him, my thoughts running a mile a minute. _Fuck. He's a nerd. Not just any kind of nerd, but a role-playing one, just like Mike. I swore off the nerds. What should I do? But he's a hot nerd. A hot nerd who digs Nabokov and reads and likes _Lost_ and Italian opera. He's perfect for me, except for this one little speed bump. _

_What the fuck am I going to do?_

I thought about the situation, the amazing sex, even if it was a bit awkward, the conversation we'd had at the bar. I looked him square in the eye, making a decision.

"Friday sounds perfect."


End file.
